My Boobs Are Falling Off!

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I’m now 18.5 months into prep for weight loss surgery and yes, it’s working. I’ve lost 85 pounds and hopefully will be getting a surgery date soon.

BUT . . .

There is something very important that I just wasn’t warned about. I was prepared for wrinkles, for sagging, even for the inevitable gas bombs that come from a liquid diet but no one told me that my boobs would fall off!

For the past two weeks I’ve been dealing with frightful electric shocks right through the girls every time I bend down to reach for something. If you’re dealing with this please remember that wearing a very good support bra helps a lot!

Not being fond of getting my chest zapped a dozen times a day, I took this issue to my doctor and learned something completely wild. As an obese woman the nerves in my shoulder girdle and chest wall have been compressed for years by layers of extra padding. Those nerves are now resurfacing, and believe me they arent happy.

“Squish me for decades will you? You’re in for it now!”

According to the doctor, the chest wall architecture will settle down as the weightloss progresses and once I level off it will stop all together.  Until then, don’t bump into me. For your own safety. Just dont!

The things they don’t tell you. Someone aught to write a book.

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The last climb.

So, I got my date for surgery. On June 22, 2018, I’ll be up in Edmonton and my life will change again.  I should be ecstatic, thrilled, frightened – so many things that I should be. What I am is tired.

I think a lot of it comes with being 4 months on a liquid diet and at a bit of a stall weight-wise. I don’t want to use the fact that I’m going for surgery to become an excuse to eat, but it’s working that way. I need to buckle down, freaking stop baking, and get back to my variety of normal.

It’s really easy to say that I’m baking for the family, that I don’t want them to be without good food just because I can’t eat it. But really – would it hurt them to not have the homemade bread for a while? Or to go to 7-11 and buy hamburger buns. Of course not- and they wouldn’t mind. I’m the one who bakes it, and I do it because it smells good in the house and even knowing that bread is my downfall, I want it.

Is there a 12 step program for breadaholics? helpless

The screaming started at 7:03.

That was the precise moment when the demon trapped in my innocuous Samsung tablet reared it’s warbling head and screeched me out of a tranquil sleep. With nerves jangled and envious glances at the fuzzball, who, having just come home from night shift, simply humphed and rolled over, I made the first mistake of the day, I put my feet on the floor.

Okay, here we go. Feet on the floor. Push up, grab at the dresser, not in itself a good plan as last week’s laundry is still piled there. Wobbling to an upright and vertical position, I take my morning walk down the hall. Oh, fricative! I dropped something.

Knees bend. Knees, I said bend! Damnit joints, you aren’t listening again! Lock knees, grab sink, bend over while doing my famous Weebles imitation. Lean and back, lean and back, lean and GRAB, and I’ve got it!

Slowly unlock knees, move weight to heels, relax frame and beeeennnndddd…

The screaming started at 7:09.

But they didn’t notice!

Dear Lizard Brain, lizard-brain

I’m seriously not impressed with you tonight. How could you be trying to spoil one of the first grownup-non-doctor-related-outings I’ve had since Christmas! For the first time in months I was out alone. Just me, little.. okay littler.. old me.

I went to a reading at my local bookstore. There was wine, there were cookies, there were even plates of gluten-free cupcakes and I DIDN’T CARE.  I read my piece at the microphone, talked to my friends, encouraged the new readers/writers and just enjoyed myself. I was celebrating. Giving myself a much deserved mental high-five and watching as my weight loss halo shone with a soft self-congratulatory glow.

Till you woke up.  Right in the middle of spending much needed time with my ‘tribe’ I ended up fighting a huge wave of anger that came at me out of no-where.

What the hell!

Who peed in your lizard flakes?

At least It didn’t take me long to figure it out, take a few deep breaths, and fight you back into my brainstem.

They didn’t notice. That was all. You threw a massive fit just because they didn’t notice that I’d changed. That my hard work was starting to pay off.  Trying to shove me towards anger and self condemnation. I couldn’t really be changing that much if no one saw it. I was deluding myself, again. I was going to fail and give up because no one was pushing me forward.

I know that your whole purpose is to keep things the same. You think, in that green mush you call a lizard-brain, that the same is safe. It’s better to freeze than to risk failing. Horse feathers and other  expurgated words.

I shone tonight. Without you!

Screw Off!

Love. Me.

 

 

 

Out of Oomph!

Is it possible to be just too tired to try?

I’ve been on this journey for what seems like decades, and now, within a week of my second meeting with the surgeons, my oomph has just gone. I’m feeling really defeated and down on myself.

My mindful eating habits are going sideways on me, defeated by anything from the smell of my son’s toast in the morning to the block of cheese that I keep in the freezer.

I started working with the Edmonton program in August of 2016. That’s almost two years now, two years of dieting, counting calories, and yelling at the family to keep the junk food out of the house.  I’m tired and out of whatever it takes to keep this thing going.

I’d like to be all upbeat and say that this won’t beat me, but right now gang, I just don’t know.  We’ll see what they say when I go to Edmonton on Wednesday.

Maybe my mind just needs a break, or maybe I’m the jellyfish I always used to think I was. Tapping the dream tree

Bologna!

I started this blog with the goal of sharing my amazing journey of self-recovery. Part of that journey is, unfortunately, dealing with failure, and today, Ladies and Lords, I failed.

baloney-n-cheese-sandwichAs always, my downfall was the soft white slices of terror. This time they came wrapped around a hunk of bologna.  It was nothing dramatic, or fancy. Nothing I’d normally think worth blogging about except that I learned something valuable today.

Bread, apparently is the reincarnation of the bad  grade twelve boyfriend. The one who looked all badass and tough, took shop because he liked pounding on metal, played guitar in a band and got detention so often that he had his own ‘desk’ in study hall. You knew that it was trouble to get involved with him, but he just looked so good, and it felt kind of nice to be on the wild side for a bit.

The only problem with, let’s call him Neil, is that no matter how nice it felt, you always walked away feeling a bit off. My conscience would niggle and I’d have a sinking feeling in my gut that should have warned me off.  It didn’t. I went back to Neil over and over, each time drifting further out of my world, and further into his.

After 90+ days of not eating solid food, and not minding it. All it took was one slice of bread and I’m craving again. Since the ‘bologna incident’ about three hours ago I’ve snacked on cheese from the freezer, leftover chicken from the fridge and made goo-goo eyes at some caramels that my son had stashed in the cupboard.

Bread has that effect on me.

Tomorrow is another day, and I’m hoping that by breaking up with ‘Neil’ again I’ll be able to get this train back on the road. I’m a bit sad, a bit mad at myself, and quite embarrassed that all it took was a stupid piece of bologna.

 

Liquid Diet – Month 3.

Hi all,

A few people been asking lately about living on the liquid diet.

I started my liquid diet on January 9, 18 and I’m still glugging away. My program has me on a very strict regimine. I’m drinking 4 Optifast shakes + 3 litres of water daily and that’s it – no supplementing with other foods, not even sugar free jello.

So far, I’m doing well, not 100% compliant but close to 95%. After almost a year of the supervised calorie counting It’s actually a bit of a relief to not have to think about what you are eating, you just shake it.

But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. I’ve had a great deal of support and people have given me tips that have helped. I’ve compiled them here and hope they help you too.

  • Drink water, and drink more water.
  • Water makes you feel full – it keeps the hungries at bay
  • Use Mio/Crystal Lite/Lemon juice – anything that will make the water taste better
  • If your program allows it use Oxo/Bovril flavourings for something different.
  • Schedule your liquids – I have shakes at 8, 12, 4, and 9pm. It makes it more like a real meal if there is a ‘time’ involved.
  • It’s easy to forget to take your protein shakes – set an alarm on your phone.
  • Get your family to help as much as possible. Any snacks etc. that they get out need to be put away – out of sight.
  • Get your kids to be ‘tasters’ rather than tasting food yourself, it’s easy to ‘taste’ a plateful!
  • Food management – FREEZE as soon as possible so you can’t just grab things if you see them.
  • Use your brain to trick your body – your lizard brain is lazy – if it can’t see food or smell it, it won’t think of it.
  • Put Vicks or something else smelly under your nose when you have to do food prep. It helps make the food not appetizing.
  • Wear dark sunglasses to grocery shop – make the food look weird and not as tasty.
  • Avoid buying things that you can’t say no to. No one will die if they eat KD for a few weeks.
  • Avoid having leftovers in the fridge – if it’s frozen you can’t nibble.
  • Avoid foods that you can eat raw. It’s much easier to resist raw meats than pieces of precooked chicken. It goes back to the lazy lizard – if you have to work for it, you’ll stop.
  • Don’t hang out in the kitchen. It is a hard place to avoid for prep etc. but stay away if you can.

UGGGGH warning: Don’t use hot water to mix the shakes – the milk protein in them will curdle and you won’t be able to drink it!

These flavourings work with my Optifast shakes – no idea if they will work with anyone else’s brand.

Vanilla

  • add a shake of pumpkin pie spice (iced pumpkin latte)
  • Make a cup of chai, let it go cold, use it to mix up your shake (Iced Chai Latte)
  • Lemon essence or orange essence can make nice changes
  • Make decaf coffee – let it go cold – mix your shake with it – warm slightly in the microwave.

Chocolate Optifast

  • Tiny drop of orange essence
  • Pinch of cinnamon or nutmeg- Mix up cold – warm slightly in microwave – hot chocolate!
  • Baileys in the chocolate shake mix sounds like a good idea – but don’t. It curdles and is NASTY!

    I hope this helps! If I can do this – you can do it!

    2012-2017